2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
