my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
