My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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