The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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