Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
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