you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
