You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
