took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
