my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
no you cant smoke seaweed
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Cover your peen. We're going out.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
