My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
