also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
