I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
