I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
