I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
