Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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