I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
