I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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