Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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