Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
