I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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