Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize