Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
