I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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