why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize