so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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