i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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