i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
