I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
