I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
