Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
