i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
