Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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