Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize