I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
