I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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