whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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