i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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