I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
