How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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