Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
