i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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