I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Never underestimate the power of titties
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
