and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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