She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
