yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
