she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
