hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
