I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
