Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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