Your dad touched me again.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
