So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
