I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I think your dad took our porno
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
