On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
