I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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