She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
