I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
