I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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