it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Come on in and take your pants off
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