Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
