Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
they need to just BURY HIM!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
