I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
farters have to be the big spoon...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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