you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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